to the up, up, upper west side
mama this is for you:
after deciding not to get married i felt pretty badly about myself. but all in all i felt it was the best decision, and today, i still feel like it's one of the better decisions i've made. even though the decision was mine, it still hurt like hell.
a few of the ensuing moments:
so many days and nights of crying. sobbing. weeping. there were days where i cried myself dry - yes, it's possible people! i felt like my face would be a puffy, red mess forever. i would stop crying for 5 minutes and then start up again.
i recall driving in the rain screaming at God for making me all to human. (note: i do NOT recommend this.) i was feeling my insides being ripped out, and i wanted a reason for why the physical pain reached as deeply as my emotional pain. alas, I have experienced true loss. this is the conclusion i've come to. loss of a loved one as much as a loss of part of myself. it's difficult to understand, even now, that there's a part of me that's gone.
i would go through my work days and such, keeping it together just fine, and when i got home i would lose it. i seriously thought, for a while, that i would probably become schizophrenic because my life was at an incredible point of duality. i was fine during the day and then i would be a complete basket case (we're talking borderline psycho) at home. burning pictures, trying to hurt myself, wanting to hurt myself because i thought i deserved it, drinking more than i should have, driving like a crazy person (see above) - through the tears i could hardly see the road. i even tried to call my ex a few times, but i got scared and hung up. nevermind i wouldn't even know what to say if he answered, i had no idea WHAT i wanted to say. "I'm sorry", perhaps? but he'd already heard it, and assured me he would never forgive me. i ended up seeing him quite a few months later, and he was just glaring at me. and i recall being that much more confident in my decision, probably not the effect he was going for with the glaring.
it's difficult, even now, to understand that there's a part of me that's gone. i can feel the physical change: i used to be much more lighthearted, maybe even silly. but it's been replaced with a touch of cynicism and skepticism, so now issues feel heavier. but i still deal with them, but maybe in a more "adult" way. i'm not as childish as i used to be. i am still relieved that i didn't get married. althought sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i had. but i figure i'd probably be going through motions and saying just the right things at just the right times and being the greatest little house wife (see previous post on domesticity- in short, i'm a master), and being completely miserable on the inside.
I've learned to forgive myself, and through all that crap - i've learned to embrace myself and my idiosyncrasies. i understand that there are things that i need to appreciate about myself and not try to hide who i am because i think that it's something others don't want me to be.
so here's to love and loss and lessons learned. mama, you'll find yours.
after deciding not to get married i felt pretty badly about myself. but all in all i felt it was the best decision, and today, i still feel like it's one of the better decisions i've made. even though the decision was mine, it still hurt like hell.
a few of the ensuing moments:
so many days and nights of crying. sobbing. weeping. there were days where i cried myself dry - yes, it's possible people! i felt like my face would be a puffy, red mess forever. i would stop crying for 5 minutes and then start up again.
i recall driving in the rain screaming at God for making me all to human. (note: i do NOT recommend this.) i was feeling my insides being ripped out, and i wanted a reason for why the physical pain reached as deeply as my emotional pain. alas, I have experienced true loss. this is the conclusion i've come to. loss of a loved one as much as a loss of part of myself. it's difficult to understand, even now, that there's a part of me that's gone.
i would go through my work days and such, keeping it together just fine, and when i got home i would lose it. i seriously thought, for a while, that i would probably become schizophrenic because my life was at an incredible point of duality. i was fine during the day and then i would be a complete basket case (we're talking borderline psycho) at home. burning pictures, trying to hurt myself, wanting to hurt myself because i thought i deserved it, drinking more than i should have, driving like a crazy person (see above) - through the tears i could hardly see the road. i even tried to call my ex a few times, but i got scared and hung up. nevermind i wouldn't even know what to say if he answered, i had no idea WHAT i wanted to say. "I'm sorry", perhaps? but he'd already heard it, and assured me he would never forgive me. i ended up seeing him quite a few months later, and he was just glaring at me. and i recall being that much more confident in my decision, probably not the effect he was going for with the glaring.
it's difficult, even now, to understand that there's a part of me that's gone. i can feel the physical change: i used to be much more lighthearted, maybe even silly. but it's been replaced with a touch of cynicism and skepticism, so now issues feel heavier. but i still deal with them, but maybe in a more "adult" way. i'm not as childish as i used to be. i am still relieved that i didn't get married. althought sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i had. but i figure i'd probably be going through motions and saying just the right things at just the right times and being the greatest little house wife (see previous post on domesticity- in short, i'm a master), and being completely miserable on the inside.
I've learned to forgive myself, and through all that crap - i've learned to embrace myself and my idiosyncrasies. i understand that there are things that i need to appreciate about myself and not try to hide who i am because i think that it's something others don't want me to be.
so here's to love and loss and lessons learned. mama, you'll find yours.
posted by shannon. at 5:57 PM
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