untitled

"World So Cold"

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we've done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

burning whispers, Remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I've left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don't want any part of depression or
Darkness, I've had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone,
Or I'm gone

I'm backing out, I'm no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything

Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking
Slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything,

I need to find a darkened corner,
A lightless corner,
Where it's safer and calmer,

I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

we are better than "normal"

Recently I was chatting with a friend and the subject of "Normal Life" came up. This got me to thinking, "What is a 'normal life' anyway?" I guess one can compare it to the "American Dream" - something about - Perfection. This, I think, is generally thought of: white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog a cat and June Cleaver in your kitchen. Except...isn't this slightly outdated? I mean, our society has changed so much. Clearly a change in what people think is important. Plus, doesn't that life look different for each of us anyway? We are, after all, [gulp!] individuals. And aren't most of us still trying to figure out what we want?

For me that picture, of a fence and a house and a roast in the oven everyday with kiddos running around, has always scared the living crap out of me. It made me crazy thinking that I wasn't "normal" because I didn't want those things. So I faked it; for a long time. In the hopes that I would one day be, "Normal." When I finally accepted the things about myself that I knew needed nurturing, needed attention, even needed love; I began making my decisions based on the life I wanted. What "normal" felt like for me.

Now, having said that, it's been quite the rocky road [between decisions I've made and decisions that other people made that sometimes threw a wrench in the plan] and sometimes I do wish that I had just ran with the fence and the fishbowl and sheets out on the line; but that wouldn't have made me...well, me.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to "get out there and see the world." I remember a time when I was a kid telling my dad that I wanted to go to California. He replied, "you don't want to go there." So, being a kid, I was increasingly curious because he had to have some information about this place I so wanted to go to, so I asked, "Have you been there?" Dad, "No. But you don't want to go there." Needless to say, that did not subdue my desire to spread my wings. Thanks for fanning the flames Dad.

I've been to a lot of places. I've even tried, "settling down" or "planting roots" - but it just doesn't take. Some people call them, "itchy feet," I call it, "me." I love change, I love new places, I love meeting new people. I love new foods, new drinks, new trees, everything! It's never easy to leave a place, it's always bittersweet. But it's just me. I just like to go. The phrase "Not all who wander are lost" comes to mind...

But the family, the friends, and the places you stay or leave or come back to or never leave - they are the things that make life worth it. These are the things that make one feel "normal." Even when things don't go according to plan and you feel off balance and not even like "you" let alone whatever definition of "normal" you have attached yourself to - these people and places that we hold in our hearts; that understand us and we understand them, they ground us, they center us, they nurture and support us. They relate to us and make us feel "normal" - if even for a minute. These things in all their forms, people and places, whatever; with all their words and silent prayers, their memories and hopes - they have molded us. They make our lives so much better than "normal."

staring straight into the shining sun

I'm having a hard time today. I miss the easy life I left behind. I miss the days where I didn't feel overwhelmed every second of everyday. Most of all though - I miss the cold weather. Today I wish it was easier. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to go back. I just feel a little "homesick" and wish it was a little easier today. And definitely a lot cooler.

In some ways I imagine this being easier if it was at least cold. If it was at the very least below 65 degrees. It's hard to say if it really would be or not. I would at least not be sweating. Recently I've discovered that the weather here makes me depressed and callous. Like how some people imagine living in Seattle or Portland (OR) would make them feel. Just, lifeless and apathetic. I long for cloud cover, for an icy breeze on my face. For the mist that relentlessly clings to your skin on a drizzly day and never gives you a chance to stay dry.

Instead a giant, caustic orb greets me every day. Following my every move. Incessantly glaring down and testing my patience. It never goes away. Making every step such an effort I really just want to give up. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I can't lie - there are definitely some days that the phrase, "what the hell was I thinking?" has crossed my mind. It sort of helps though because then I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking. It's reassuring to know this is not my permanent home and I will be moving on at some point. Though when exactly has not yet been determined, but I can live with that. Just knowing I'll be leaving is encouraging.

At this point, I'm fairly certain that I will never be good friends with the desert. Though I'm glad for the experience, I won't be sad to see it fade away in my rear view mirror.

strangers?

I had this dream where I am standing on a beach and I linger in a moment where I am calm and certain. Even though this is how I feel I see the waves crashing around me and it’s as though the ocean is foaming at the mouth and determined to take me in. The wind is fierce and lightning is striking the horizon. I can feel the thunder shake me to my core. This doesn’t faze me; for whatever reason I am completely unafraid.

Someone behind me shouts at me and as I turn, they run and I don't see who it is, then I see a house on fire. Still I have a sense of complete calm and I walk to the house. I walk IN the house. There’s no smoke, only flames that seem to touch everything else but me and I find people on the second floor and I talk to them. I don't remember their faces and I don’t remember the conversation but they were trying to talk me into something. I am undecided and attempt to help them extinguish the surrounding flames.

Then I woke up. I think it’s still burning…

finding the center

After moving from Philly, and having my life in boxes and living out of suitcases for a while I finally moved into the new place in the middle of August. I thought I had been handling everything pretty well - had a job, some sort of strange routine, but it worked. Yet I still felt "off" and not quite myself. After a weekend in which I thought I was completely loosing my mind (I won't go into the dirty details - but I was crazy! Seriously, I was raging effing mad. Poor AJ...) I decided I needed to take action to re-center myself. I had taken yoga, and went swimming and biking of course everyday - but I couldn't quite figure out what it was that I needed. Maybe a jog? Way too hot for that though.

One morning I woke up, and for whatever reason, knew exactly what it was that was making me feel so strange - I hadn't enjoyed a moment in a kitchen by myself since Philly. I hadn't yet shared in communion with my new space. My favorite place in any house. My sanctuary...Sure I'd made some salads and various other things over the previous weeks - but nothing where I got to take my time and read through cookbooks and think of how to improve every recipe I saw; and I really hadn't had the chance to get my hands dirty. So I went out and bought flours and sweeteners and yeast and various other items that I knew I would use. Finally on a beautiful Friday I woke up and made some coffee (the first I'd had in a LONG time) - and then got lost in the racket of baking sheets, the whir of food processors and clouds of flour. By the time I was done I had made a delicious "low-fat" cauliflower hummus ('cause why not - that head of cauliflower needs to be used!), whole wheat pitas, pizza dough (which would later turn into doughnuts) and of course: vegan chocolate cupcakes.

About half way through the warm chocolate cupcake I was eating, I actually felt myself return. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, it was very surreal - I could feel the shift within. My center had rebalanced. I'm not sure if it was the process or the actual result, but if ever I lose myself again - I'll know exactly where to find her: in the center of a chocolate cupcake.

A word about my quote in the header

"Live the Life You Love. Love the Life You Live."

After my 18th birthday I bought a beautiful, bright yellow, 1968 VW Bug. I have to admit, it was one of the more ridiculous things I've done - but it was worth it. I had it for about a month or so before I sold it for tuition money and my parents let me have their old Civic wagon (instead of making the trade to get their new car) so I could physically get to class. [VERY nice of them.] Anyway...the bug ran like crap - but there were floorboards (barely) and the clutch was the worst I'd ever driven. But on the back window of that car there was a sticker with those 10 beautiful words that so perfectly articulated the way I knew I wanted to live my life.

Though I do like some "creature comforts" - I am not afraid to leave it all behind. I don't intend to miss out on the things I want to discover and see. This is not always the easiest thing to do; most times it's bittersweet - trading comfort and proximity to family and friends for discovery and adventure. My mom thinks that I'm not sentimental; and true, I don't get attached to many objects and things; rather, I'm attached to smells and tastes and memories (one fantastic reason to keep a journal or blog!). For instance, if I'm taking a walk and wind blows just so, it could bring with it the memory of a past hike; or walks I used to take with my whole family out back of our house growing up. I don't need to hang on to dirt from that road to conjure up the sentiment - even the smell of rain brings me back there. Especially here in Tucson where it smells like "dusty rain." (that's the best way I can describe it) - it reminds me of how the rain smelled on Meadow Ave. I digress...

I love my family and friends; but I know, I've always known, that I don't want to spend my life in one place doing one thing. Perhaps I'm a bit "unruly"- but really, I just want to embrace life. This life. This only life.

on the road

A week from today i will be on the road.

on the road to a new city, on the road to the next stage of my life that I am looking forward to, on the road moving toward my future.

i decided to move to tucson, az on april 1st and since then have been planning to get me and my piano there.

Tucson? why? my response to so many people asking me that - "Why Not?" The timing is right, it's cheaper, way more laid back than any east coast city, so really, why not?

I decided to go to grad school - I think i'll be a good teacher. I love language. I love experiencing new cultures. Even my grandmother knows I'll never settle down. In her exact words, "Good for you. I know you like to be all over the place." I love her. Just the fact that she can see into the depths of me with the distance between, creates a confidence in me that I know I am moving in the right direction.

Tucson, here I come...