September 15, 2003
September 15, 2003 is the day i decided that i did not want to get married. in the month that led up to this decision i had lost my appetite and had been forcing myself to eat. the act of chewing had become nauseating. the only things i could manage to keep down were cheerios with bananas and chocolate ice cream. this is the day i weighed myself and found that i had dropped down to a whopping 102. now - i suppose some people probably don't think that's bad - but when the little lady giving me my final fitting for my gown suggested that i not lose anymore weight - it certainly gave me pause for my own well-being.
i had not been trying to lose weight; i had simply lost my appetite. one could say i lost my appetite for living. i was living day to day and saying all the things a bride-to-be was supposed to say. but i had long stopped playing the part when i was alone. i stopped thinking about guests and favors; i stopped thinking about songs for the dj; i stopped thinking about the honeymoon we planned for; i stopped thinking about my fiance. the only thing i could think about was what the hell was i doing? all my lines were right when they needed to be - but i couldn't live my whole life this way - playing a part i felt i was never meant to play. "why am i still here?" became the haunting question in the back of my mind.
i'm sure all of that information would have been useful months, shit even years, before this particular Monday in September - but i had managed to convince myself that this was what i wanted. on this particular day, i finally got the balls to tell my fiance that i was scared and not sure about the wedding. and all he had to say was, "don't worry. it'll be ok."
i couldn't say anything and i started to cry. i cried because this was the wrong answer. his last chance to convince me that this was right and all he did was pat me on the head and left me with no real evidence that it really was going to be ok.
i withdrew from everything and everyone and took steps that i knew were certain to lead to a cancellation of this centuries old ritual that would kill my spirit. these were the hardest steps i have ever taken.
clinging to the relief i felt the instant i knew i was free - i somehow made it through, relatively, unscathed. the memories i have from that time period have long since lost their sting - and the emotion that i felt seems so foreign and surreal. but as the years pass by i bask in the peace that has come with the knowledge that it was the best decision i have ever made.
i had not been trying to lose weight; i had simply lost my appetite. one could say i lost my appetite for living. i was living day to day and saying all the things a bride-to-be was supposed to say. but i had long stopped playing the part when i was alone. i stopped thinking about guests and favors; i stopped thinking about songs for the dj; i stopped thinking about the honeymoon we planned for; i stopped thinking about my fiance. the only thing i could think about was what the hell was i doing? all my lines were right when they needed to be - but i couldn't live my whole life this way - playing a part i felt i was never meant to play. "why am i still here?" became the haunting question in the back of my mind.
i'm sure all of that information would have been useful months, shit even years, before this particular Monday in September - but i had managed to convince myself that this was what i wanted. on this particular day, i finally got the balls to tell my fiance that i was scared and not sure about the wedding. and all he had to say was, "don't worry. it'll be ok."
i couldn't say anything and i started to cry. i cried because this was the wrong answer. his last chance to convince me that this was right and all he did was pat me on the head and left me with no real evidence that it really was going to be ok.
i withdrew from everything and everyone and took steps that i knew were certain to lead to a cancellation of this centuries old ritual that would kill my spirit. these were the hardest steps i have ever taken.
clinging to the relief i felt the instant i knew i was free - i somehow made it through, relatively, unscathed. the memories i have from that time period have long since lost their sting - and the emotion that i felt seems so foreign and surreal. but as the years pass by i bask in the peace that has come with the knowledge that it was the best decision i have ever made.
posted by shannon. at 7:20 PM
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