Heart of Darkness

"I found myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They tresspassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew. Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular desire to enlighten them, but i had some difficulty in restraining myself from laughing in their faces, so full of stupid importance."


-Joseph Conrad

A Gathering of Generations

generations gather
each in their awkward state

is there any other?

family clinging to family
immediate and otherwise

hopes for the future flutter through the spaces between

children hiding behind mother's legs
adults wishing they still could

happiness in the eyes of the elderly
remembering times when their house was always full

now the emptiness overwhelms

where there was once wisdom and understanding
there is now loneliness and arrogance

men gather by the meat and fire
ladies drink tea and tend to children

children follow children whispering with their mousey sounds

catching up and letting go
bitterness lingers under the surface for some

dirty secrets and uncomfortable notions swept under the table

weaving through people
feeling the distance brought closer

family in all its weirdness
all its imperfect states

strange how it all comes together beautifully

and now from me...

I have decided 3 things today:
1: i need to cut up my credit cards.
2: i need a real job with a real salary and benefits
3: i need to not take myself so seriously


3 things i have done today:
1: i cut up my credit cards
2: i got an interview with a non-profit organization (hey, it's a start.)
3: made some seriously KICK ASS guacamole

The latest words of wisdom from Anne Lamott

"all you have to go on is faith that the light shines in the darkness, and nothing, not death, not disease, not even the government, can overcome it. I hate that you can't prove the beliefs of my faith. If I were God, I'd have the answers at the end of the workbook, so you could check as you went along, to see if you're on the right track. But nooooooooo. Darkness is our context, and Easter's context: without it, you couldn't see the light. Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us."

"It's magic to see Spirit, largely because it's so rare. Mostly you see the masks and the holograms that the culture presents as real. You see how you're doing in the world's eyes, or your family's eyes, or - worst of all - yours, or in the eyes of people who are doing better than you -- much better than you -- or worse. But you are not your bank account, or your ambition. You're not the cold clay lump you leave behind when you die. You're not your collection of walking personality disorders. You are Spirit, you are love, and even though it is hard to believe sometimes, you are free."

NY- The Empire State- Join the Dark Side

recently i've been relatively morbid and pessimistic.

the whole deal with my car has stressed me out beyond belief. not to mention life and the whole being adult bit in general. i am weary. from the inside out.

i find myself deeply despising people (we're talking a complete and total hatred that i didn't know i was capable of) tailgating me at 8 in the morning before i've even had time to finish my cup of coffee. and i'm not a slow driver. unless there are slow people in front of me, and since my recent accidents, i've learned to deal with them better and give them the space they need. pleading with God to let laser beams come out of my eyes.

i've noticed myself holding my tongue more and more often so i don't offend someone i wish would talk faster because i really don't have time for their crap. and i wish the freaking toll booth lady would get off her freaking cell phone so she won't screw up the flow. doesn't she know that she's supposed to be working?

I have become the stereotypical New Yorker. Move faster, talk faster, eat on the go, keep moving. i find it more and more difficult to be still. i get anxious.

there's so much that needs to be done: cleaning and errands and banking and buying stamps and dusting and practicing and mending socks and hemming pants and eating breakfast and being here and being there and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and getting the mail and paying the bills and eating dinner, wait making dinner, doing dishes taking out garbage should i recycle? oh, to hell with it, no time to sort the crap.

i think i have a problem. it's quite possible i am ever so slightly obsessive compulsive. i realized that if certain things aren't done when i get home from whereever, it is impossible for me to relax. really relax.

so today i decided to try and relax. it was a beautiful day! i went outside to take a walk and took a deep breath of the pollen filled, polluted air and wouldn't you know it started to sneeze. so i came back inside and cleaned a dirty recliner, then the bathroom, then the hall closet, then the kitchen................