now i get it

remember when you were a teenager and you absolutley hated calling your mom to tell her where you were going out and when you'd be home and who'd you be with?

now i get.

really she just wanted to know you were ok before SHE went to bed. not before YOU went to bed. to remind you that she loved you and to be safe and have a good time, to put her mind at ease so she could get a good nights sleep. because now, i'm almost positive my mom didn't sleep well when she wasn't sure where i was or when i'd be home. even if the time i gave was off the mark, her internal clock was sure to wake her up and let her know i wasn't there. then she'd probably not sleep well the rest of the night, or until i got home. so now, i have a deeper appreciation for her love and worrying...

so here i am, still awake 4 hours before i have to wake up and worrying...

the beautiful voice of a tree

"But if you have no relationship with the living things of this earth you may lose whatever relationship you have with humanity, with human beings. We never look deeply into the quality of a tree; we never really touch it, feel its solidity, its rough bark, and hear the sound that is part of the tree. Not the sound of wind through the leaves, not the breeze of a morning that flutters the leaves, but its own sound, the sound of the trunk and the silent sound of the roots. You must be extraodinarily sensitive to hear the sound. This sound is not the noise of the world, not the noise of the chattering mind, not the vulgarity of human quarrels and human warfare, but sound as part of the universe.

If we could, and we must, establish a deep long abiding relationship with nature, with the actual trees, the bushes, the flowers, the grass, and the fast moving clouds, then we would never slaughter another human being for any reason whatsoever."

-Krishnamurti

the old man with smile lines

recently i've been thinking a lot about God.

when i was a little girl i believed in God because i was afraid of what would happen if i didn't. Even through my teenage years i was taught to be afraid. over analyzing everything i did wondering if it was wrong or right or if God was happy with my decision. constantly straining to hear his voice.

and now...i believe in God because i think that he is beautiful and kind and loves me for no other reason than because he created me. and Grace is his most amazing attribute. i no longer strain to hear, i simply wait and enjoy all that is put before me, knowing every little thing, every moment has been presented to me by God to do what i will with it. and hopefully he'll smile because he knows i appreciate my life, all of it's ups and downs.

a lot of people have asked me why i believe. mostly it's because i want to believe, why would anyone not want to? the earth in and of itself, mountains and oceans, and trees, even grass. how it smells, how salt water tastes good and bad at the same time. how you can stand in awe of a mountain protruding from the flat surrounding. isn't it more fun to think that someone created all that for YOU? for your pleasure, to confirm your faith in something bigger than yourself?

and besides....why would anyone really want to think that all that waits for them is becoming worm food? not so glamorous now is it?

a chance opportunity

There is a path beyond the gate
It's possible it's leading to fate

Somewhat crooked and dark
Covered in leaves and birch tree bark

Sun shines through breaks in the clouds
Birds sing freely and loud

The gate is broken and locked
Off to the side there lies a warped clock

No time does the clock tell
Yet it still has a working bell

True the bell works, but not it tune
Don't bother with that it's much too soon

While searching to find the gate's lost key
Clouds make the sky look like the sea

With so much around
It's impossible to be found

Lost in the confusion before the gate
It's growing dark and getting late

Shadows fall upon the land
Covering leaves, trees and all the sand

Above the trees flying high
Through the night the owls cry

Rodents scurry to their holes
While death takes a few lost souls

Screams echo in the night
Consuming all living beings with fright

Slowly the dawn draws near
Dark objects soon become clear

Near the gate lies the clock
So easily mistaken for a rock

Still locked from fate
Looking to the path beyond the gate

communication

so much of what i feel i find incredibly difficult to express in words. especially since i don't have a very strong command of the english language.

which is why i play piano.

Church

"I felt like...churches came to the table with a them and us mentality, them being liberal non-Christians in the world and us being Christians. I felt...that there was this underlying hostility for homosexuals and Democrats and , well, hippie types. I cannot tell you how much I did not want liberal or gay people to be my enemies. I liked them. I cared about them, and they cared about me. ... It isn't that the Christians I had been with had bad community; they didn't, I just liked the community of the hippies because it was more forgiving, more, i don't know, healthy.
The real issue in the Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the bible was true or whether America was a good country or whether last week's sermon was good, you were not so loved. You were loved in a word, but there was, without question, a social commodity that was being withheld from you until you shaped up....
I began to understand that my pastors and leaders were wrong, that the liberals were not evil, they were liberal for the same reason Christians were Christians, because they believed their philosophies were right, good, and beneficial to the world. I had been raised to believe there were monsters under the bed, but i had peeked, in a moment of bravery, and found a wonderful world, a good world, better, in fact, than the one i had known.
The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community but it was conditional love....Christianity was always right; we were always looking down on everybody else. And i hated this. I hated it with a passion. Everything in my sould told me it was wrong....I wanted to love everybody....Hatred seemed to me the product of ignorance....I was tired of the Christian leaders using biblical principles to protect their power, to draw a line in the sand seperating the good army from the bad one. The truth is i had met the enemy in the woods and discovered they were not the enemy. I wondered whether any human being could be an enemy of God....
People are priceless.... All economic metaphor.
And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless....With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did....
If a person senses that you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say....
The Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashig two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you. I think that is very beautiful and true."

from Blue like Jazz

observations

the other night i had a MASSIVE migraine and the whole night i just felt like i wasn't really present. i was just observing the people around me and watched them interact and thought to myself how everyone is so self conscious. i'm sure i'm like that too. but to really focus on body language of people, it is so obvious to tell if they are comfortable or not. and even at "comfortable" there are all these varying degrees...

then i thought, "none of this really matters. our clothes, our hair, our skin. what difference does it make? " in the end it's our actions that make the biggest difference. causing people pain or happiness or anger, whatever. even if you encouter someone for only a short time, the picture of them you have in your mind will fade, and what you remember will be how they made you feel, or what it was that they did that made you think of them.