September 15, 2003

September 15, 2003 is the day i decided that i did not want to get married. in the month that led up to this decision i had lost my appetite and had been forcing myself to eat. the act of chewing had become nauseating. the only things i could manage to keep down were cheerios with bananas and chocolate ice cream. this is the day i weighed myself and found that i had dropped down to a whopping 102. now - i suppose some people probably don't think that's bad - but when the little lady giving me my final fitting for my gown suggested that i not lose anymore weight - it certainly gave me pause for my own well-being.

i had not been trying to lose weight; i had simply lost my appetite. one could say i lost my appetite for living. i was living day to day and saying all the things a bride-to-be was supposed to say. but i had long stopped playing the part when i was alone. i stopped thinking about guests and favors; i stopped thinking about songs for the dj; i stopped thinking about the honeymoon we planned for; i stopped thinking about my fiance. the only thing i could think about was what the hell was i doing? all my lines were right when they needed to be - but i couldn't live my whole life this way - playing a part i felt i was never meant to play. "why am i still here?" became the haunting question in the back of my mind.

i'm sure all of that information would have been useful months, shit even years, before this particular Monday in September - but i had managed to convince myself that this was what i wanted. on this particular day, i finally got the balls to tell my fiance that i was scared and not sure about the wedding. and all he had to say was, "don't worry. it'll be ok."

i couldn't say anything and i started to cry. i cried because this was the wrong answer. his last chance to convince me that this was right and all he did was pat me on the head and left me with no real evidence that it really was going to be ok.

i withdrew from everything and everyone and took steps that i knew were certain to lead to a cancellation of this centuries old ritual that would kill my spirit. these were the hardest steps i have ever taken.

clinging to the relief i felt the instant i knew i was free - i somehow made it through, relatively, unscathed. the memories i have from that time period have long since lost their sting - and the emotion that i felt seems so foreign and surreal. but as the years pass by i bask in the peace that has come with the knowledge that it was the best decision i have ever made.

a meeting

Yesterday I decided to get to know my piano a little better. I don’t know it that well – see, not even sure yet if it’s a boy or a girl – but this is something that I want to do. My first piano knew me so well, and I knew it so well. It was guaranteed that when I settled into that bench it would welcome the emotion that flowed through me and transform it into sound in order for me to find my way through to the sunny side. I also knew that when I hit Bb2 not much would happen – a little “ting” if I was lucky. I must have pounded that key more than any other in my repertoire. Next, during a really humid day in the summer I could assure you that A4 would stick for a good 12 count. I could go on and on but I think you get my point – it was like an old friend. Unfortunately, it was too old to make it in a move to Philly. So I bought a new one when I got here. It’s sweet and has mellow, rounder sound. I think it’s a bit shy though – it’s taken a while for me to feel comfortable sitting at the keys - it's almost as if I'm invading it's space. Definitely need to spend more time on that bench and open myself up in hopes it will show me it’s flaws as I work through my own…

shedding skin

Today has been one of those days where i just have zero patience along with physical reactions to stressful situations and people that annoy me. i can feel it. lingering. frustration and annoyance coating my skin like when it rains in NYC and you forgot your umbrella and you just feel...filmy.

in an effort to shed some of this skin i try to breathe. i take 10 minutes out of my day to actively participate in the enjoyment of eating an orange. but nothing seems to help and it just keeps piling on. the slimy film of mounting aggravation. the last straw is during my train ride home and a woman wearing an ungodly amount of scent plops down next to me. 'THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER SEATS TO SIT IN!!!!' i am screaming in my head while trying to remain calm in my unfortunate place trapped next to the window. after one stop i seriously cannot breathe without eating this disgustingly fruity concoction emanating from this woman. and i know it's not her, it's me. i am the one who gets a migraine from almost every perfume and cologne and how is she to know this? i can't take it any more and excuse myself to sit just a few seats up from her as i gasp for clean air (which on public transportation is rarely to be found). i whip out my hanky and start to breathe through it knowing there are only two more stops before clean (i use the term loosely), outside air. running from the train car, i don't care who i bump or shove out of my way. at this point i know it's safer for everyone if i'm in my house because i am so wound up.

and i try to relax - but dishes are piled up and boxes are still everywhere. i plow through the dishes; decide i'm hungry and eat the leftover curry and decide "eff this, i need reinforcements" and open a bottle of wine. my next thought is - "i am so not making dinner at this point." i need to bathe myself in this bottle and get some of that aggravation off my skin.

so here i am - almost through my first glass of wine; one cd down (the new Dillinger Escape Plan) and onto the second (Aimee Mann - Lost in Space). and i'm feeling a little better. i can feel the sticky day falling off one sip, one breath at a time...

one word

recently i've been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. today i came across a part when she is talking about giving a single word to a person or place that describes it exactly. so, i've been thinking about what word would describe me, and everything that is me. i have to admit for the majority of my life that word would have to be RESTLESS; but now as i ponder over my journey of the last 29 years and coming into my 30th year - i think the word i am looking for is COMFORTABLE.

By comfortable, i do not mean stagnant or complacent; but comfortable in my own skin. i still strive to discover more about myself and my surroundings; to learn from my experience and to challenge myself physically and intellectually. but i am now comfortable in my approach and my ideas and all the imperfections that make up who i am. i am comfortable knowing that in any given situation i have the confidence that i will be able to handle what is thrown at me no matter how overwhelming it may seem.

there is the occasional feeling of restlessness and the craving for new surroundings that accompanies it that i always thought i would out grow - but i am comfortable with the thoughts that this is just another stretch in my life adventure and my soul is put at ease knowing that there are more paths i will need to follow but i just need the patience to continue on one step at a time.

resolute

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. It seems everyone always does the same one's and fail: lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking, start exercising, etc. So I never really felt compelled to make one.

BUT - this year I decided what the hell, let's do it. My New Year's Resolution is that I am going to try to make it a full 365 days as a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. I think this is a reasonable goal - and quite frankly I'm doing it for no other reason than to see if I can. (Side Note: this seems to be a trend in my motivation habits - my biggest motivator is finding out how strong my will power is - i.e. "How stubborn am i exactly? I'll show you!" Just tell me I can't do something - and I'll do it. Don't believe me - ask my mom or dad.) So since I was on a roll making one New Year's Resolution - I decided to go for two! (as back up - just in case my first one fails?) My second one is to be able to run 10k by summer. Not a race necessarily (racing - that kind of competition - doesn't really do it for me - I like to compete with the voices in my head) - I just want to see if I can run for a straight 6.25 miles. I realize this may take some time - so summer is the deadline. Give me a call June 20th to see how I did!

So we'll see what happens. I may need to have a great big plate of steak and eggs for breakfast on January 1, 2009.

Wish me luck!